I mentioned in my post Small Package that I read the book How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie many years ago. I found it invaluable. I would only change one thing and that’s the title. In my opinion it should be called Understanding People. After reading it I finally had some sense of what people are about.
Chapter six was especially helpful, here is a quote:
“There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, the law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: Always make the other person feel important.”
In my experience the quote is 100% correct . Everyone I’ve ever met wants to be important. Most of the book explains different ways to help others feel that way. I followed the book’s advice for decades and still do. However, I started thinking about the subject somewhat differently after watching TED Talks by Brene’ Brown. Her first talk is about vulnerability. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability The second about shame. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame She addresses these subjects brilliantly and I learned a great deal. In the first talk she mentioned people feeling like they weren’t enough. In the second talk she talks more about that in regards to dealing with shame. Not enough can be things like I’m not tall enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not rich enough, and the list goes on.
I knew she was right because I never felt like I was enough and spent most of my brain power over the last forty plus years trying to get there. Carnegie had done extensive research interviewing accomplished people and reading biographies. Dr. Brown went much further talking to countless people about their experience with connection, vulnerability and shame. She found that shame has the power to unravel connection, which we all need. Shame is rooted in the belief that somehow or another that I am not enough.
I also started learning about the enneagram, an ancient personality profile system, see Enneagram High Five .In the enneagram a character type has certain characteristics and a person’s strength is also their weakness. What I found was that the more a healthy a person is, felt like they were enough, the more the traits are manifested in a positive way. They more unhealthy they are the more the traits come out negatively because they are trying to compensate for not being enough. Looking back on my own life it was easy to see that people who were comfortable in their own skin, were well-adjusted because they weren’t trying too hard. They were ok being themselves. I knew from sports that up tight players don’t do as well as players who let their ability flow through them naturally.
Here is a quote from Marianne Williamson in her book A Return to Love that explains how I felt for most of my life.
“I felt like life was a private club and everybody got the password except me. Now was one of those times. I felt other people knew a secret that I didn’t know, but I didn’t want to ask them about it because I didn’t want them to know I didn’t know.”
I finally knew the secret. Everybody feels that way to some extent, not enough. To some it’s all consuming and easy to see. Most people hide it under masks they wear in public, but it still shows, if you know how to spot it. The song The Emperor’s New Clothes by Elton John and Bernie Taupin puts it to music.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWkvFNOYWd0
This post is about the value of recognizing that. Much of what people do stems from trying to be enough and they will defend fiercely what little value they have. If they don’t find a way to be enough, often they attack others value to bring them down. Misery does love company. That’s helped me be more compassionate and patient, with others and myself. I’ve always been a member of the not enough club. I just didn’t know the club includes everybody. Life makes much more sense now that I know the big secret.
May you BE enough today, one moment at a time.
THIS HELPED ME 