I didn’t have a TV in college. When the baseball playoffs started my roommate
and I went to the dorm lobby to watch a game. A few feet from us was the biggest
person I’d ever seen. He was 6’8” tall, weighed 280 pounds and a freshman
football player. He barely fit in the arm chair he was using. All of a sudden three
more freshman football players came up from behind him. One pinned down
each arm of his arms. The third continually punched his arm for about five
seconds before they all let go and ran for their lives! Of course he got up and gave
chase. My roommate and I watched the whole thing. Then he turned and looked
at me in amazement. I shrugged my shoulders and said, “What did you expect?”.
These were freshman and school had only been in session a couple weeks. Too
expect different behavior from them at that point in their lives didn’t seem
reasonable.
I didn’t think much about expectations again until I got married. My wife and I
went on a couples retreat shortly after we got married. We heard a speaker talk
about the expectations people bring into marriage. He said unmet expectations
can lead to frustration and conflict. One expectation I had was that I wouldn’t
have to wrap gifts anymore. I wasn’t good at it. Her expectation was that she
wouldn’t have to kill bugs. We made a deal, she wraps presents and I kill bugs. It’s
worked well for twenty eight years. Of course we’ve dealt with other more
serious expectations as well.
Experience helped me change some of my expectations. I was an insurance agent
for over thirty one years. When clients would come in my office with small
children it disturbed me that their kids didn’t sit down and be still. I thought, why
don’t their parents just tell them to behave? Then we had children and decided to
build a house. Before we met with the architect one of the first things we talked
about was who was going to watch our two and four year old girls. We’d learned
you don’t just expect them to sit still and be quiet for long. That’s not realistic.
Life is a great teacher. The Fox and the Scorpion fable along with learning about
the enneagram taught me that it’s not reasonable to expect people to go against
their nature, not even myself. (see It’s My Nature) I have some control over the
person I want to be, but have no control over who other people are. The TED talk on being wrong helped me realize it’s unreasonable to expect to be right all the time (see Being Wrong).
I decided to take a closer look at my expectations about life. I found that most of them weren’t expectations at all. They were really wants, desires, demands and judgements of how I thought the world should be. In his book, A New Earth, Eckharte Tolle says, “Now you can enjoy and honor the things of this world without giving them an importance and significance they don’t have. You can participate in the dance of creation and be active without attachment to outcome and without placing unreasonable demands up the world: Fulfill me, make me happy, make me feel safe, tell me who I am. The world cannot give you those things, and when you no longer have such expectations, all self-created suffering comes to an end.”
I’d been living in a dream world/nightmare that revolved around my wants. The
last time I checked, the world revolved around the sun and the only person I
controlled was myself. It wasn’t other people’s purpose in life to agree with me or
be who I thought they should be. I had an entitlement mindset. No wonder I was
often disappointed or frustrated.
Since discovering this my life has been happier. The entitlement outlook is gone. I
still have goals, but they’re things under which I have control. I still try to impact
the world in a positive way. I look for the best in people and situations. I
understand my perspective is my reality and what I focus on colors my
perspective. I want it to be as pleasant as possible. I just don’t expect people or
situations to cater to my wants. It’s not why they are here. That’s a reasonable
expectation to me.
May you have enough today, one moment at a time.
THIS HELPED ME 